Galactic Hot Dogs 1: Cosmoe s Wiener Getaway

Author Interview: Cosmoe and Max Brallier

MAX: Hey, Cosmoe, thanks for sitting down and talking with me.

COSMOE: No prob! I love talking about myself.

MAX:Wow, you’re cocky, huh?

COSMOE: I prefer the term “confident.”

MAX:So you’re from Planet Earth, originally. But now you live in space. How is that, space? You like it?

COSMOE: Totally! It’s amazing. Every day is a new adventure. There’s stuff out there in this galaxy that would, like, literally blow your mind. Giant monsters, strange planets, weird sports, evil robots, man-eating planets! And, I mean, I spend my days flying around in a spaceship selling hot dogs with my best friends—what more could I want??

MAX: The Neon Wiener—that’s your ship, correct?

COSMOE: Yep! It’s a lightning fast, super radical spaceship. But with one major difference from all the other lightning fast, super radical spaceships out there: it’s a flying food truck! The side of the ship slides open just like any food truck you might see on the street—that’s how we serve doggies. It’s also got like a million James Bond–style gadgets. Like space mines that can be dropped from the back during a chase—fun stuff like that.

MAX: Jeez, how big is this thing? Like Millennium Falcon big?

COSMOE: Ah, I like your style. Well. . . it’s not huuuuuuge, but we’ve squeezed in everything a dude could need. We’ve got video games, a zero-gravity basketball hoop for dunk contests, a batting cage where Humphree and I play Astro-Derby and launch z-spheres deep into space, video games up the wazoo. And, obviously, that is all completely necessary. All our fun stuff takes up so much space, Humphree and I ended up sharing a bedroom.

MAX: You have, like, a bunk-bed thing going on? I always wanted bunk beds as a kid.

COSMOE: Sorta! We sleep in space hammocks. They’re like regular hammocks, but spacey.

MAX: You’re the pilot of the Neon Wiener?

COSMOE: Co-pilot. Me and Humphree are co-pilots together.

MAX: Aren’t you kinda short to be a pilot?

COSMOE: Next question please.

MAX: Tell me more about Big Humphree.

COSMOE: He used to be bad news, but now he’s my best bud. He was a space pirate. Space pirates are totally not good. They hijack ships and they’re basically just super huge and super scary. The only thing worse than space pirates? Zombified space pirates. SUPER bad news. Ran into some of those recently. . .

MAX: Yikes, so then what’s the deal with your newest friend, Princess Dagger? She’s evil, huh?

COSMOE: Big-time evil. I met her when she hijacked our ship. At first I was like, whoa, I don’t need this evilness in my life. But, after a while, she grows on you. She’s tough as nails, just like her mom. Maybe even tougher than Big Humphree (but don’t tell him I said that or he’ll pinch me).

MAX: Princess Dagger’s mom? Who’s that?

COSMOE: Blegh, Evil Queen Dagger. She is NOT good and is super ticked off that her daughter ran away with us. She’s totally evil, totally hates me, and has really bad breath. Yuck.

MAX: Seems like it’d get pretty crowded in the Neon Wiener.

COSMOE: You forgot about Goober!

MAX: Whoops, my bad. Tell us a little about Goober.

COSMOE: Goober is my rubbery blob of a buddy. He’s right here on my arm as we’re talking; actually, he’s always right here on my arm. He can never leave my side—he’s symbiotically attached! Goober can transform into all sorts of radical stuff: swords, bats, axes, whips, and stuff! He’s always getting us outta trouble.

MAX: Favorite food?

COSMOE: For real, is that a serious question? Hot dogs! But I guess I can get more specific—my favorite hot dog is Cosmoe’s Classic Corn Dog: it’s one classic dog, fusion-fired in cake batter with NO NASTY SPACE BUGS.

MAX: Would I like it?

COSMOE: Probably. It’s pretty tame compared to some of the other stuff we serve: bean slug-bugs, nuckto knuckles, moon cheese, raw arazkid legs—some of it gives me the willies. But, hey, gotta give the aliens what they want.

MAX: Yeah, I’ll pass, thanks. So, standard interview: If you could meet any person from history, who would it be?

COSMOE: Easy. Luke Skywalker.

MAX: I meant any real person. . . Not a character from Star Wars.

COSMOE: Luke Skywalker is totally real.

MAX: He’s totally not.

COSMOE: Look, do you live in space? Do you know what goes on out here?

MAX: Sigh. No. . .

COSMOE: So trust me. Super real.

MAX: It must be dangerous out there in space. Ever get scared?

COSMOE: Are you kidding? Me? NEVER!

MAX: For real?

COSMOE: Well. Well, no. I guess not. Sometimes it’s crazy scary. But I just try to pretend I’m not scared—and if I keep telling myself that, it kind of works. One time this evil weirdo, Krax Von Grumble, almost zapped us to space ash, but don’t worry, we played it cool and kicked some major space butt as usual.

MAX: Thanks for the interview, Cosmoe. Anything else you want to say?

COSMOE: Hmmm…let me think. I’ll end with a joke. Why don’t aliens eat clowns?

MAX: Why?

COSMOE: Because they taste funny! Wooo! Thank you, thank you.